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Tuesday, June 30th, 2015
12:24 pm - Dear Livejournal
Whenever I go back and read my old posts, it's obvious now. I'm reading the frustrated ramblings of a person with untreated anxiety. Why was my mood always set to either "tired" or "nervous"?

I'm trying to treat myself now. For the first time in my life, I have to actually deal with my disorder instead of beating up myself up over the results of self-neglect.

Guess what? It's work. It feels like really hard work. Not everything I do or try is effective. I make mistakes every day, still.

But the optimism I create for myself is no longer contingent upon suddenly becoming a new, non-anxious person. I can't wake up with a new set of skills or new brain chemicals. I can't "just choose to be better", as one of my old master-teachers once told me he did.

I have to work with the skills I don't have. My past, my dysfunctional tendencies, my learning disability, my anxiety, my disorganzed brain, my inability to focus or carry out certain tasks to completion. All part of what I've got. If I ignore my faults they will get worse.

I'm trying to eat healthier without dieting or counting calories. It's difficult.

I'm trying to get my mind out of depressive spirals; trying to deliberately interrupt the negative thoughts. It's difficult.

The hardest thing, right now, is to not become utterly consumed with fears about money. Some of these fears may be legit, but right now it's just food for anxiety to grow on. I have to re-direct my thoughts constantly so I am something other than afraid.

It's difficult.

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Tuesday, January 7th, 2014
6:18 am

LJ app is terrible and eats all of my paragraphs. All of my hate!

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Thursday, September 12th, 2013
8:46 pm

I wish there was time enough to sort myself out.

My job has doubled the workload, moved my location and kept my salary the damn same.

Before this even went down, I began experiencing really odd and scary physical symptoms like strained breathing, tight chest, constricted throat, hard to swallow hard to breathe, racing heart that will not stop.

The doc tested my heart, chest, oxygen levels and said: it sounds like panic.

But I've had panic before and it's never been this bad. Panic attacks usually don't feel like this.

I am breaking. Trying not to show it or dwell on it, but I am breaking. And I don't have time to work on a solution.

I need enough strength to fight for my own sanity and health. I don't have it.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPad.

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Monday, May 6th, 2013
10:31 pm - I Have Words. Post-Wedding, Relationship-Type Words
I have been gone from Livejournal for so long that the format looks weird and even the font is alien to me. Well, ok then, let it be weird.

I'm married! A wife! Yay! What does this mean?

. . .

. . .

. . .

I'm still figuring that part out. To this end, I have read two books about marriage that are intended to help people. Both books were given to me by married people. One is Emotionally Engaged: A Bride's Guide to Surviving the "Happiest" Time of Her Life, and the other is The Five Love Languages.

Emotionally Engaged reassured me that all the madness I went through with planning the wedding is not entirely strange or unreasonable, but part of the massive shift in my life I've just gone through. It gave me a useful reminder of how my family and friend relationships are changing and that I have a LOT of emotional luggage still packed tight that needs sorting, cleaning, discarding and laying away.

Most of my worldly possessions are still in my old room at my parents house. You do the metaphorical math here; I'm too tired.

Read more...Collapse )

current mood: Contemplative Rage

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Monday, February 4th, 2013
6:58 am - Too Much to Say, Too Little Time to Say it in
The answer to all and any question posed to me right now is either:

1) I don't know


2) I don't have time


3) I'm too tired

Ok. I'll give myself 3 minutes to bitch. I haven't been on Livejournal for so long, what gives with this shitty new format?

I'm living with my fiance. Living, but not adjusting. Sleeping is hard. It has always been a challenge and a process to for me to fall asleep and stay asleep, and this man snores loudly and often. Earplugs? I wake up at 2 a.m. with sore ears. I need sleep. I'm not really functioning very well right now. And everyone can see that I've lost my "sparkle," whatever the fuck that means.

My job. Oh dear my job. January was utter crap, but February is set to bend me over as well . . . my work schedule has changed to drain me of even more of my energy at 6 day weeks every other week. And you can try to tell me that shorter weeks between "make up for it", but fuck you if you do.

Re: Weddings. They tell the Bride the day is All About You. This is a lie. The day is All About Making Other People Feel Like They Are Adequately Involved and Important. So that they don't hate you after the wedding is over. It will be a miracle if I still have friends and family who want to talk to me when all this is done. People just think the Bride automatically knows what to do and what to tell others to do. I don't. I've never done this before. I'm totally clueless and disorganized and no, I don't know what you can do for me. How about this? You can try not to hate me as I fall even deeper into this mire of not knowing what the hell is going on and my calendar is so very fucked I don't even know.

There is no time to manage my stress properly, which is the worst. It is gunking up everything and making life hard. I'm forgetting to call people back, check my messages, check for bills, check for Facebook, check for wedding due dates of things, schedule shit, remind other people of what they should do, make appointments, drive to places and look at things, talk to friends who live far away . . . I can't keep track of all of this.

You know me and you know I'm overwhelmed and that's pretty much it. I just don't want to get fired, even though my job is ridiculous and frustrating.

Also my car is broken and the shop has had it for two weekends now and they are stupid shit monkeys who can't do a thing.

Dear christ god in heaven, I only want to fall and stay asleep for a very long time.

I have to go to work now.

Fuck all of you.

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Saturday, November 3rd, 2012
9:11 pm
It is acceptable to shed tears from sheer physical and mental exhaustion: y/y

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Sunday, August 5th, 2012
9:36 pm - "Magic Mike" Write Up/Review
I have a shameful confession to make, of something that has been weighing heavily upon me ever since the night it transpired.

It fills me with reluctance, as a self-described geeky dork type who enjoys things like Doctor Who, Red Dwarf, Star Trek, and MST3K, and who is an occasional flakey contributor to esteemed site Topless Robot, to admit to this.

I saw Magic Mike. Willingly, even. And I paid full price for my ticket.
Magic MikeCollapse )

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Monday, June 25th, 2012
12:48 pm - On Job skills, Individual limits and Boundaries, Education, Expectations
They are telling me not to give up. I Google “Should I give up on teaching” and “how to know if you’re not cut out to teach” and I get “Don’t Give Up” and “Keep Trying” and “Here are some Tips and Advice that Assume you Will Keep Trying.”

I left the secondary education credential program feeling empty, ill equipped, and scared out of my mind to ever step inside of a classroom again. They want you to be perfect the first time around, have complete control of all of these kids, and just sort of know what to do and how to work it, all the tiny organizational routines and structured discussions and formative feedback. I could write great lessons and activities. Sometimes the activities even went well in practice.

My classroom management, however, was shit, which sabotaged every single effort that I made.

My Post Got Hideously LongCollapse )

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Wednesday, June 20th, 2012
8:25 pm - Wednesday Night Angst Edition Remix
Anxiety and injury go hand-in-hand with self doubt. They feed on each other and flourish together in a kind of incestuous cannibalism that would make George R.R. Martin jealous. (Or inspired?)

And I still doubt! After making it to 30 years of age, I still doubt:

* That my adult life is real
* That I am an adult at all or deserve to be treated as such
* I can do anything useful
* People see anything good in me
* that I am small enough to fit in clothes
* that I am loud enough for people to hear
* that people even want to hear
* that anyone loves me for real
* that I'll ever finish that story
* that people value my words
* that I've ever earned anything by my own efforts. Instead, I have somehow tricked folks into giving me a modest paycheck for doing absurdly easy tasks
* that I am full of anything but shit, especially when I feel profound

But hey! I DON'T doubt that poetry is awesome. Or the words of other, better writers. I believe in the power of words even though I suck at writing and expressing myself and communicating honestly, openly, non-passive aggressively.

I'd say I am a work in progress, but nothing is progressing. Same shit, different day; same hiding spot to avoid the same shit. What should I do to improve? I'm getting dangerously tired at a time in my life when I need extra energy. Again. And sometimes I have the energy but not the will or focus to complete my tasks. And there are so many tasks for a person who is a child still trying to live a woman's life and be there for loved ones and maintain a modicum of health and balance.

Man, when did this happen? Back in my college years I could bury my entire being inside of concepts and ideas and that was enough. Now I have to think of and take care of myself as well.

I have to remind myself that I am probably worth taking care of, at the end of the day.

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Thursday, May 19th, 2011
1:15 am - Prepare for Extreme Fangirl Squee! (Rammstein Flavored)
Tonight I saw Rammstein in concert for the first time, and, most likely, for the last time. I doubt they will come back to the Bay Area any time soon, and I feel supremely blessed I was able to see them in Oakland.

Rammstein is an old band with a large repertoire of songs to choose from. Most of the stuff they played tonight was from their latest album "Liebe Ist Fur Alle Da," along with some old fan favorites. ("Mein Teil" and "Amerika" were sadly lacking.)


Each member of the band burned holes through a thin wall to enter the stage.

They used their fire-breathing apparatuses during "Feur Freui." We're talking giant tongues of flame leaping from the band members faces, people!

During "Ich Tut Dir Weh", keyboardist and band's favored whipping boy, Flake, was put into an old rusty-looking bathtub. The lead singer, Till Lindemann, was then levitated high above the tub on a giant metal piston-like mechanism. He was almost as high as the stage lights before he took a big metal bucket and "poured" sparks & fireworks into the tub in a flaming stream, brilliant and blinding. I could feel the heat on my face, way across the auditorium. Then Flake emerged from the tub in a glittering disco suit, having been "cleansed!"

At the beginning of "Weiner Blut," a spotlight shown on Till, who operated an old fashioned gramophone while narrating the beginning of the song (a dark tale of child abuse and murder, natch!) and then the stage lit up to reveal dozens of baby dolls hanging by their necks behind the band.

During "Pussy" (of course), Till had a giant dong-shaped cannon that shot out white confetti. It was a lot of white confetti!

At one point during the encore, the keyboardist was placed into a rubber raft and passed around the audience. Brave soul!

The set of the stage was awesome, metallic and industrial-looking pipes with over-hanging lanterns that shone a shifting pattern of red & white lights. And there was RED FIRE at some points.

The keyboardist cut an amazingly hilarious jig-like dance while the bad set up for another song.

They set the keyboardist ON FIRE, he ran around the stage for quite a while BURNING before they put him out. I mean, WOW O.O

For the song "Engel," Till donned flaming angel wings, which I sadly couldn't see very well.

Till rocked his trademark "smeared in motor oil & wearing dirty sort-of lederhosen" look like a champ.

I had so much fun tonight I can still hardly believe it was real . . . but I'm wearing the T-shirt to prove it!

TL/DR: :D :D Rammstein! :D :D

current mood: ecstatic

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Monday, April 11th, 2011
4:32 pm - Who is This? Why do I write like him?

I Write Like by Mémoires, journal software. Analyze your writing!

. . . After Visting Wikipedia . . .

"long multi-clause sentences"

Oh. Ok. I see now. Headache-inducing clauses characterize us both.

But here's a fun quote from him:

"fiction’s about what it is to be a fucking human being,"

It ends with a comma because, of course, it's only one part of a string of clauses that blink in inscrutable patterns like dysfunctional Christmas lights.

Oooh! And here's another:

"The really important kind of freedom involves attention, and awareness, and discipline, and effort, and being able truly to care about other people and to sacrifice for them, over and over, in myriad petty little unsexy ways, every day.... The only thing that's capital-T True is that you get to decide how you're going to try to see it. You get to consciously decide what has meaning and what doesn't.... The trick is keeping the truth up-front in daily consciousness."

Well, that's kinda vague, pretentious and has grandiose positive intentions, innit? Zang! There's another thing we have in common!

And he committed suicide. Stop killing yourselves, authors. Just, stop it. It makes you look bad, especially after you've made sweeping statements about how others should live their lives.

current mood: amused

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Sunday, March 13th, 2011
11:14 pm - SQUEE!

Hooray for Romanitcally Apocalyptic!

And for this awesome and silly music video!

Romantically Apocalyptic - Que Sera from eddy lefter on Vimeo.

I know I've been babbling ceaselessly about this webcomic, but it is my favorite thing right now, for serious.

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Wednesday, March 2nd, 2011
5:30 pm - Rant Mode 2.0
This time it's not as abstract. Damn, I don't even want to waste the effort forming sentences about this. I'm bouncing back and forth between dull apathy and CAPSLOCK RAEG!

Anywhoodle, here it is.

Life is Dumb. Also, I'm a BitchCollapse )

current mood: angry

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Sunday, February 27th, 2011
11:49 pm - Rant Mode: Engaged
This is going to sound like I'm really, really, puppy-kicking angry. I'm not! I promise I'm not. This is just something I notice that constantly grates at me, and either I get it out of my system or I explode irrationally one day for no discernible reason. I think a lot of it is due to the fact that right now I feel like a kid in a sandbox watching adults live real lives and knowing that I'll never be like them . . .

Here There be Shitty MetaphorsCollapse )

current mood: blah

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Monday, February 14th, 2011
5:02 pm - It's Valentine's Day . . .


Seriously, though, it's Valentine's Day, you guys!

Obligatory VD CelebrationCollapse )

Love and Forty Whacks,


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Wednesday, February 2nd, 2011
10:27 pm - Useless Epihany #10298, Divided by Zero (roughly)
An Angsty Thing I Wrote a While AgoCollapse )

That memory is something that refuses to go away. I think I'd like to blame all of my faults on it, but hey, it was just a wooden jungle gym and other kids have been through worse and survived. Also, the jungle gym is gone and the wood has rotted and circle of life and all that stuff.

But now I know why I wrote this! It's so I could use "Gaping Head Wounds" as a tag.

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Friday, January 21st, 2011
11:34 pm - Seriously!


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Monday, January 10th, 2011
1:43 pm - WTF Farscape?
After watching through most of the seasons of Farscape, I have to say: Just how frelled up was the ending to season 4? That's the most brutal ending to a sci-fi series I've ever seen! I was actually laughing in shock. Oh well, at least Scorpious was kinda happy?

I heard that the puppet they used for Rigel was one that Henson made before he died, and no one knew what it was supposed to be used for. I think he would've been proud that it became a well-rounded character in a show with a human cast :)

But seriously, this show is some extra-special brand of crazy sauce right here. When it's not bounding off into irrelevant story time land, everybody's going nuts, sleeping with each other, having hallucinations, or being tortured in horrific or fetish-y ways. I don't think there will ever be a science fiction show like that again! Farscape's unique in that it focuses on emotional and psychological conflicts. Inner space in outer space ftw! Also, when I was young and watching random, out of order episodes on Sci Fi, I absolutely did not get the sheer hilarious awesomeness of all John Crighton's jokes and pop culture references. (It maybe helps that Joss Whedon has taught me to love that kind of dialogue.) Also, I have much love for Aeryn as a badass lady protagonist.

This is Wayne Pygram, who played Scorpious. He's basically Australia's version of Jakie Earle Haley. Apparently he was a pre-Grand Moff Tarken in the Star Wars Prequels (erg), and had an appearance on "Lost" as some kinda healer person.

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Tuesday, January 4th, 2011
10:37 pm - My Not-Secret-at-all Online Persona
For those of you who were curious about what I've been writing at that other blog called The Tao of Scoot (well, at least spinster83 asked once). Scoot refers to Scooter Atreides, author & maintainer of the site. Here's a couple entries I've written:

The Rocky Horror Picture Show Vs. Little Shop of Horrors

Top 9 Disturbingly Kinky Villains of Sci Fi, Fantasy, and Horror

We're basically a group of nerds, dorks, geeks, and freaks who branched off from the comment section of Topless Robot. We call ourselves The Superfriends and we're all weird and awesome!

Also, Boredlizzie has fan art! All of us are there! It's cute as fuck. Can you spot me cutting a sandwich with my hatchet? :D :D
Awesome Picture of Superfriends by Lonesome LurkerCollapse )

current mood: Dear God Don't Ask

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Sunday, January 2nd, 2011
3:02 pm - "I dreamt a dream last night"/"So did I"
"What was that dream?"/"That dreamers often lie!"

(Can you name that quote, kids?)

My dream last night was really weird. Weird enough to leave a lingering unease/"wtf" feeling in my brain. That means I have to write about it. So there you go, journal. I'll put this weird mental stuff on a plate and leave on the window sill for the crows to eat.

Well in my dream, as in a few dreams I've had before, the ocean was nearby. The landscape I walked in was part forest, part beach, part suburb. The ocean began to swell and rise. Huge waves rolled over the land and over me. Drowning, spluttering, tossed around and dizzied, insensible. I escaped into a car and tried to drive away, but the ocean had flooded the roads. I had to drive through the water. This was hard because some of the water was shallow, some of it was deep, and I couldn't tell the difference by looking at it. The car sank but I escaped, don't ask me how. There was some other, larger threat too, that was causing the floods, I forget what it was exactly. Something like a growing, moving disease or decay that was eating up the landscape, and I had to run as it spread. If it caught up with me, I would die. I remember begging, pleading with my family and friends that we should leave this place, everything is dying, and if we stay we will die too, but no one was listening to me. Like in the horror movies, when you want to tell them, "Leave the freaking house! Get out of that hotel! It's full of evil and demons and zombies and teeth!" But they stay anyway, God knows why, until it's too late. My friends and family just looked at me, and I began to think that they knew we all would die if we stayed, they wanted us all to die, they were staying here on purpose, so that everything would be destroyed. Then I woke up on the second day of the new year, way too late.

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